An Open Letter to the Heartbreakers…

imgres“I’m not a halfway kind of person…” That’s how the letter that I wrote you began. Because, you know, I’m a writer and that’s what I do. That’s how I work through my feelings and unburden my soul. The letter went on to tell you the stuff you already undoubtedly know… I trusted you and you discounted that. I loved you more than I believed possible, because you asked me too, and, well then back to that whole trust thing. You said all the right words and even though I knew better, I totally fell for them.

It felt so good to hear those words each day. Like giving in to whatever “drug” makes one feel the best, knowing that I shouldn’t, yet reveling in the moments, only to realize that it has ended far too soon and there is no more where that came from. The sweet whispers of the drug were false hopes, temporary comfort when I needed it most.

Then comes the withdrawal. The hurt, the sadness, the questions, the anger and accusations. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I believe the sweet whispers despite knowing better (from years of practice)? You lied to me! I was deceived. But I love you. Blah, blah, blah…

So yeah, I wrote the letter full of “the feels” but I didn’t send it. It was more for me anyway. Now the pain is starting to dissipate and the hangover is wearing off. I could be bitter, add this to the past heartaches and use it as an excuse to close myself off. But the reality is, even though YOU weren’t the one, you were a good one, and I still believe he is out there. You were a beautiful distraction for a very blissful little while. You made me feel loved in a way that I had not in a very long time and for that I could never be bitter, only thankful. You helped me to see myself in a different light, one that had been extinguished for years. I was vulnerable, which takes bravery, by the way. You changed me, for better AND worse, but you also broke through a barrier that I thought was impenetrable. At the happiest moments, I told you that I believed that you were the answer to my prayers; the one who I had been asking god to send me. And at the worst time, I still believe that. Only the reason that you were sent has taken on a different meaning.

So in the end, this is a thank you letter. Thank you for finding me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for allowing me to see myself in a different way. Thank you for the many hours of laughter, late night conversations, silly jokes (that only we understand), dreams of future adventures and a true soul-to-soul connection. But most of all thank you for teaching me.” We are never taught more deeply or truthfully than through pain.” And for that, I am forever grateful.





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